His Secret Talent
by The Red Celt
Summary: Joker is trying to get under Kaidan's skin by alluding to the rumor that eezo exposure makes some human biotics impotent. Kaidan shows Joker the very sexy side of biotics. Rated M for mass effect fields in the pilot's pants.


Dump _all_ the porn! Yay! So, this is one of the first times I ever wrote slash, and it was fun as hell. Anyway, I think this is the last of the smut overload I'm heaping on all of y'all wonderful people who read my stuff. You guys are awesome. :)

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"You know, Joker, you're all right," Kaidan slurred, almost knocking over his beer with all that sincerity. Joker just rolled his eyes.

"That's, like, the ninth time you said that."

"I know."

"No, tell me again about how awesome I am. Nothing like a little ego-stroking." Kaidan laughed and slung his arm around his shoulders and he winced instinctively, although it didn't really hurt. Bracing for a break when being man-handled was so ingrained that he wasn't sure he could have stopped if he wanted to. Alenko wouldn't knowingly hurt him, but the man was pretty deep in his cups and accidents tended to happen around Joker.

"We need to do this more often." That big silly grin hadn't left his face for ten minutes, and the vid they'd been watching had been stuck at the menu screen since beer number six. Reminiscing turned out to be more fun than another run-through of Don't Eat My Face: A Zombie Romance.

"Yeah, yeah," Joker said, sarcastic as usual, but he'd missed talking to Kaidan (much as he hated to admit such a weakness). "You can quit sucking my dick now, LT."

"Not LT anymore-_Spectre_ Alenko." He pointed at Joker with the seriousness of the truly smashed, then grinned wider and said, "And if I was sucking your dick, you'd know it."

"Uh huh. You know, I heard a funny thing about biotics."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Kaidan leaned back in his chair and raised an eyebrow at him. "Oh, do tell. This oughtta be good."

"I heard that human biotics have a tendency to develop ED later on. Something about the effects of eezo on the reproductive system."

Kaidan laughed out loud and took the empties over to the trash bin. "You're either sorely misinformed, or you're trying to get a rise out of me."

"No, really. It's a theory that I read about on the extranet. Not a lot of humans know any biotics other than the asari, so speculation kinda runs wild out there." He was rising to the bait, and Joker was reveling in it. There was nothing better than messing with friends, taking it as close to the edge of pure asshole as he could before backing off again. There were some people he could push further, and Kaidan had made it clear in the past that there was very little that got under his skin. Joker settled in for the long haul and took a deep draught of his beer.

"So you thought to get confirmation from me about whether or not I can . . . perform?"

"Something like that," Joker said, smiling a little as he lifted his beer again, but the bottle never completed the trip because Kaidan's hand fell on his shoulder, stopping him cold.

"Let me confirm it for you, then," he said, and his hand was wreathed in blue glowing tendrils that wrapped around his fingers and flowed down Joker's chest, sparking with heat across his nipples. He put his beer down with trembling fingers, his head growing foggy with the sensation of blue lightning coursing down his body, as though his clothes weren't there at all. The glow reached his crotch and suddenly there was an intense sensation of pressure there, squeezing him and forcing a moan from him as the heat reached into the deepest parts of him and he ground himself against the table just to feel something—

And then it was gone, and Joker was gasping in his seat while Kaidan gave him the smuggest shit-eating grin ever. "So tell me, would you consider your little fact-finding mission a success?"

Joker had never felt anything like that before, not ever, not with anyone. It had been the most amazing feeling, being touched in places that he hadn't ever considered could make him feel like that. One hand went between his legs of its own volition and found himself hard as stone and aching for relief. Kaidan saw it and his eyes widened.

"I take it you enjoyed that?"

"Yeah," he answered, his voice shaky. "God, yes."

Kaidan knelt down beside him and put his hand on Joker's forearm. "Want me to do it again?"

Through the haze of lust that had settled into his head, he knew that there were several ways that this wouldn't work, the first of which was that he was straight. At least, he'd never had feelings for a man before tonight, and the ones he was having now were mostly for Kaidan's biotics than for him as a person. Joker's need to have him do that again (and again, and again until he couldn't stand it anymore) outweighed any reservations he might have had, and he turned his flushed and slack face to Kaidan's wicked-eyed one and nodded.

"Doesn't sound like you want it at all."

"Dammit, Kaidan, don't make me beg." Another flare of heat coiled in his groin and he gasped. He could feel his heartbeat in his cock, which was almost painfully hard.

"You don't have to beg me, just say please."

"You have got to be joking."

"Say the magic word, Joker, and I'll do whatever you want." Joker glared at him just before his eyes rolled back in his head as Kaidan's biotics pulsed through him.

"Fuck, okay . . . please."

"All right, since you asked nicely." That blue glow came again and flowed over his whole body, igniting his nerves and blowing every thought clean out of his head. While it was a wholly new sensation, it was still familiar and there was something about it that was so undefinably _Kaidan_. It was tentative as it coursed down his back, and playfully bold fingers trailed down his stomach. It took a few seconds to realize that it was Kaidan's physical fingers that were on him, unbuttoning his pants while he watched Joker's face for any hint that he wanted him to stop. Joker just leaned back and lifted his hips in silent acquiescence since he was rendered unable to speak through the sizzling pleasure pouring over his body.

Joker's pants were gone leaving him in just his boxers, and he opened his uniform shirt as his blood turned to fire and he started to sweat. He was fumbling with the second button when Kaidan brushed his fingers aside, biotic power jolting up his arm and curling up his neck. He dropped his arms to his sides and just watched while the other man undressed him.

"Is this okay?" he asked, leaning in to lay a kiss on Joker's stomach and smiling as his abs flexed and moved under his mouth.

"Y—yeah, that's good. Really good. Oh, _Christ_-" The biotics flaring across his back had drifted lower, and were teasing at his ass with hot, questing, prodding fingers. His first instinct was to try and squirm away, being of the opinion that that part of his body was an exit only, but with Kaidan's weight on his thighs and the incorporeal biotics currently reaching into him to caress the sensitive bundle just inside his opening, he was lost to pleasure and threw his head back with a wailing moan.

The biotics within him had distracted him from what Kaidan was doing; he had brought Joker's cock out from the open crotch of his boxers and was rubbing circles around the head with his thumb. With only a wicked smile as a warning, he lowered his head and took him into his mouth. Joker gripped the edge of the table and squeezed his eyes shut, trapped between the biotic tingle and the onslaught of Kaidan's tongue and lips and the warm, moist sheath of his mouth. Another blue tendril slipped around his testicles and sent shockwaves of need through his body. It was too much, it wasn't enough, it was fucking amazing and more than he was prepared for as his muscles tensed and his hips bucked and writhed, driving his throbbing cock deeper into Kaidan's mouth.

"I'm close," he managed to gasp out and thought that the other man would back off and stroke him to his finish, but Kaidan just kept sucking on him, driving him crazy and forcing him closer to the brink. His opening was so tight and buzzing with light biotic shocks that made Joker nearly weep with the intensity, and he made a fist in Kaidan's hair as the wave within him crested and broke over him with a roar. He rode it out with gasps and pleas for more, but it didn't abate like it normally did. He came again and again into Kaidan's eager mouth, and his focus narrowed down to the veritable tsunami of an orgasm that was washing away all rational thought. His vision bloomed with black flowers until he remembered how to breathe and the nearly unbearable pleasure began to abate, wracking his body with aftershocks that Kaidan sucked from him.

When it was over, he was limp and sweaty and soaring on a cloud of endorphins and other lovely things. He hadn't felt this amazing in years, and when he managed to crack his eyelids open he found Kaidan in a similar state, slumped against one of the legs of the table with a dark stain spreading across the front of his uniform pants.

"Ho-holy _shit_," Joker said, rubbing his chest. The awkwardness of just having been given the most spectacular blow job of his life by a man was beginning to settle in, but he shoved it away for now to enjoy the way he felt like a limp noodle all over.

"Seconding that sentiment," Kaidan panted, and he chuckled.

"I think I'm gonna need some help getting to my bunk. My legs don't seem to want to work right now."

Kaidan stood and helped Joker to his feet, and the two of them made their way to the crew's quarters. Joker lowered himself gingerly to his bed, and the sudden urge to say something clever as a parting shot came over him but he was, for the first time in his life, utterly without words. Kaidan saw his struggle and shushed him.

"No need to talk about it. I had fun, you had fun, and if you want to do it again sometime, I wouldn't say no." Kaidan backed toward the door and winked. "Hope that lesson was informative enough for you."

"Oh, yeah. I'll set all those trolls on the message boards straight as soon as I grow back my brain cells."

"I didn't think your brain was located there, Joker."

"Oh, har har, very funny." He rolled his eyes and Kaidan left with a laugh. Joker quickly fell asleep and his dreams were tinged in a blue glow.


End file.
